List: When Ma'am Hurts Me

by: Hanuman

1. want her to; it feels like love, like I belong to her.

2. feel angry; it's not fair that anyone should hurt me that much.

3. feel powerful; I can handle this; I can accept it.

4. feel weak; I can't handle it; I lose focus.

5. want more. I want her to let me have it, to push me over the edge, take me beyond choice.

6. want less; it's too much. It's not fair.

7. want it like it is; it's so perfect -- me being her play thing. She likes hurting me, and I want her to enjoy that.

8. get tears in my eyes, from the pain, or the openness that I feel to her, so open, so vulnerable, yet so powerful.

9. do my Lamaze breathing, to help me accept the pain.

10. relax, I accept it.

11. get tense, jump, kick, throw a tantrum, then stop that.

12. want her to be tougher, more hard edge.

13. want to be tougher, to be able to handle more.

14. want to scream, to let the world know how unfair it is that she hurts me so much.

15. want to have the focus to not scream, to just accept it.

16. sweat, my heart pounds, I breathe more. I have to be careful not to breathe too much and get light headed.

17. know I'm alive. She takes me down to the instinct to avoid pain. Instinct that cannot be denied. She hurts me enough to take me all the way there, beyond choice. I love her for that, for hurting me that much to let me see how my mind works and where and how I break.

18. want to go into a corner and cry.

19. want to keep in touch with her, keep eye contact, so she will know how much she hurt me, so she can enjoy my pain and my submission to her.

20. cry. feel the release.

21. laugh and giggle, remembering how I once avoided such feelings, now I seek them.

22. know it's my passport to giggle space, and appreciate it.

23. accept her power, her physical strength, and her focus.

24. think about her little brother, and think that I want to be 8 years old, and be tormented by an older sister like her.

25. think there is past life karma being dealt with. I think I was some kind of bad guy who caused a lot of pain for women. Now I am looking for some kind of balance.

26. cherish the relationship, that I can say to her, "Yes, I want you to hurt me, I want to be your plaything."

27. judge it: it's too much; it's not enough; it's perfect; it's not quite right; it's just what I have always wanted; it's so right for me; it's not fair; I'm strong; I'm weak; I'm fragile; I'm indestructible.

28. think about other stuff, and miss what is right in front of me.

29. receive the pain, finding that it's just what I want and need.

30. get bruises, reminders of the session. I want that. I want my butt to hurt when I sit down after a caning. I want my flesh to turn different colors, to remind me how much she hurt me.

31. feel the sting of the cane near bone, I hope that she knows what she is doing; I trust that she knows what she is doing.

32. want her to keep going and going and keep hurting me more and more.

33. want her to stop, and give me a medal for all the pain I have taken so far.

34. know that I got what I came for, and that I am where I want to be.

35. jump up and down, like a three year old throwing a tantrum, as if to say, "It isn't fair for you to hurt me so much, and by jumping up and down, I will make you stop."

36. get angry, and think about hurting her back. But I love her too much for that. I am comforted by the fact that I know she can kick my butt, as in our first session, when we wrestled, and I didn't have a chance. I don't want to have a chance against her, I want her to be in control of me.

37. get turned on. I get excited, and wish I could let her hurt me more, without losing focus.

38. cry, feel sorry for myself, poor me the victim, why is she so mean to me. But that's a silly question, it's because we both like it.

39. wish we could always be together.

40. sweat. feel it drip from under my arms.